Take My Cultural Cliches, Please

Fifty ears ago, Henny Youngman's one-liner "Take my wife...please!" earned huge laughs for the Borscht Belt comedian. Very quickly, it grew into a recognizable catch-phrase. Then, it became a cliche. After a while, not only is it no longer funny...it's a comedic nonentity. Cue the pipe organ; bury the casket. The phrase - the entire idea of "take my wife...please!" being a joke - is long over. It's lost to history along with "Where's the beef?," Dyno-mite!" and "Schwing!"

Right now, we have our own generation of "take my wife, please" that has, unfortunately, yet to be retired. They're instant "funny" phrases and references that are so quoted and noted that they're eventually referential only to the recognizance of its own ubiquity. If we laugh at all, it's from the acknowledgment of the cliche itself, rather than the source of the joke. To reference my lone semester of semiotics, this comedy is the simulacrum of a joke. And frankly, I'd rather hear actual jokes.

To help move us forward culturally, I hereby list phrases and constructs (some admittedly still kind of funny) for the Comedy Moratorium:

Sally Field's "You like me, you really really like me" Oscar speech

Rodney King's plea of "Can't we all just get along?"

Viagra; long and useless erections

Charles Manson; Manson Family

The following phrases: "...on crack," "...on acid," "...from hell," "...in my pants," crack ho/crack whore"

The following terms: "mangina," "manboobs," "vajayjay," "shiz-nit"

Britney Spears minus underpants

Celebrity Sex Tapes (when we got to Screech, I think we jumped the shark)

Michael Jackson's face

Michael Jackson's hair on fire

Michael Jackson and little boys

Michael Jackson's pet monkey

Michael Jackson and Elephant Man remains

____ Gone Wild

The idea that Bea Arthur - because of her deep voice - has male genitals

The acknowledgment that Milton Berle had huge male genitals

Straight men receiving unwanted attention from a homosexual man

Tom Cruise being wacky

Courtney Love being sloppy

Bill Clinton getting horny

A "Senior moment"

The idea of "Going Postal"

Oprah, Inc.

The "blogosphere"''

"Yeah, baby!"

The idea that you can add "...in bed" after any fortune cookie fortune

Carrot Top and Gallagher as unfunny hacks

Dane Cook as a successful, unfunny hack

Bodily fluids as used in broad teen comedies, post-"Something About Mary"

Making observations in a Seinfeld-ian voice ("Who aaaaare these people?")

People who appear to be talking to themselves, due to use of Bluetooth in public

Asians and/or women as bad drivers

Parody movies that don't parody, but simply refer

Tivo

NEXT TIME: Things that are always funny, like Applebee's; Costco; sexual puns on the Bush dynasty; the Popemobile; cartoonish cruelty to animals; etc.

Thanks For Sucking

These days, as I drive my son to school in the morning, I'm assaulted by billboards that scream, "YOU SUCK, SARAH MARSHALL!"

S-U-C-K...not hard to spell out, is it? Perhaps the MPAA forgot that young children can read.

Though the org is quick to squelch newsworthy images of torture on documentary posters seen mainly in arthouse theatres frequented by discriminating adults (note January's flap over TAXI TO THE DARKSIDE), the MPAA seems fine letting Universal plaster the word SUCK in its native context all across the land. While there's no danger that I'll be FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL, I'd like to forget the ad campaign.

Linguistic review: while the word "suck" in this context has become more acceptable over recent decades, it was, once upon a time, the abbreviated version of "suck dick." Remember that? It is the original context in which "sucking" became associated with something undesirable. Never mind that nearly half of the population is very grateful for that kind of sucking...but I digress. I didn't invent the negative context; it's just another spoil in the Puritan culture war equating sex with shame.

However, even in its watered down 2008 version, it's still a put-down and it's still not socially acceptable for little kids to use. Duh. I don't think there are many elementary schools where the faculty is eager to have children run around using the word on each other. Or many homes. So every day now, I'm just waiting for the conversation opener, "Why does Sarah Marshall suck, Daddy?"

Thanks, MPAA, for your laxity in "protecting" the children on one hand while simultaneously treating adults like children on the other.

Though I have to say, on another note, Regal Cinemas' decision to bring back the red-band trailer (R rated, shown before R rated movies) is to be applauded. In that context, sucking of all sorts is perfectly acceptable.

No Line Cinema

I more or less started my career at New Line Cinema, in the postproduction department, so I actually feel quite sad that the company (at least as it formerly existed) will disappear into the ether. There are a lot of really great people over there, many who I worked alongside of, for almost three years. People who weathered the transition from indie to Turner to Warner to..gone.

I remember when I started, I said to one of the post supervisors that I was excited because New Line was "like what Orion used to be." I thought it was a compliment (to me, Orion meant Woody Allen, Robocop, Three Amigos, Bill & Ted, and of course, Weird Al's UHF), but Ric looked at me like I had wished cancer on his family. This was in 1993 when Orion was in bankruptcy - but I referred only to the company's artistic legacy rather than its financial septic tank.

Oddly enough, so many years later, seeing NL's perennially quirky and engaging mix of art films, auteur discoveries almost-mainstream flicks and genre picks go by the wayside, well...maybe I wasn't wrong, after all. Though it's one of those times where I'd rather not be right. Pour a cold one and cue up the downward spiral in "Boogie Nights." Them glory days are gone.

Thankfully, New Line's version of Stanley Kubrick, Mr. John Waters, has revealed to the Baltimore Sun that his next film has its financing lined up (elsewhere, it seems) so all is OK in Dreamland. I was concerned that his "Fruitcake" might become another casualty in the corporate cafeteria.

Better Late Than Never

Oscar voting's all locked up, but I had to throw in my late-breaking admiration for "No End In Sight," which lays out an unbelievable parade of evidence that "postwar planning" in Iraq was an oxymoron - not just poorly handled, but poorly handled with obstinate, arrogant, head-in-the-sand ignorance of ginormous and deadly proportions. Yow. If somehow the fever for change hasn't gripped you, try watching this film and see if you can imagine a McCain presidency without wanting to rip out your own eyeballs out and eat them.

There's a subtitled scene in the film where a prominent Iraqi cleric tells his congregation, after the fall of Baghdad, that "the small Satan is gone and the great Satan has arrived." It's that kind of thing that makes you feel reeeeeal proud of America's image in the rest of the world.

Of course, much has already been said (deservedly so) about "Sicko"...and goddamn if health care isn't the center of Democratic dialogues this season! Mr. Moore must be proud - his agitprop deserves some serious props for kicking the inert ass of the status quo once again.

The Future Is Now

In line at the supermarket - a big chain supermarket, the kind I usually avoid - I noticed that the woman behind me, kids in tow, was unloading a cart exclusively comprised of Lunchable-type boxed meals: individual microwaved pizzas, pre-made frozen waffles, and Oreo ice cream cake bars, to be washed down with luminescent faux-fruity drinks. Looking to my right, the woman ahead of me opened her purse to pay for a huge pile of 20 or 30 "Zone"-style energy bars...and nothing else.

That's when it hit me - we ARE living in the Jetsons future. "Food" is brightly colored fuel in a squeezable, freezable, sprightly-smiley vacuum package of processed lumps. And although I purchased a loaf of wheat bread, some cans of tomato soup, a 6 pack of Beck's beer, distilled water, and a couple of actual tomatoes, it was definitely me who appeared to be the alien.

Flying cars, where art thou?

Worthy Doc Gets Release Date

Toward the end of 2006 I was fortunate to catch a screening of Lucy Walker's BLINDSIGHT, about a group of blind Tibetan kids who endeavor to climb Mt Everest. The film had been shortlisted for the Oscars but unfortunately, did not receive a nomination. 2007 came and went, with no US release.

Now, according to the LA Times Calendar, March 14, 2008 will mark the film's Stateside drop date. If you're a documentary fan, scribble it on your calendars.

This is a gripping and emotional film from start to finish. The quest itself is fascinating and harrowing, but going deeper is the film's multi-faceted look at what it means to be labelled as handicapped (particularly in a part of the world where the predicament is seen as punishment for a past life's sins), what it means to care for the handicapped, and the power of hope that comes from setting a goal in one's life.

There's a point toward the latter half of the film where an argument breaks out between the trip's organizers that really encaptures the dilemma of helping others, particularly those less fortunate. Essentially: is it better to stop people from doing something that endangers them but, in the process, crush their spirits completely - or is it better to let them try, even fail, with consequences be damned...because giving up means giving up on life.

Never mind that this argument happens in sub-zero temperatures on the side of a gigantic mountain.

There's some incredible camerawork here, and it deserves to be seen on the bigscreen. By the end, you'll feel as if you've gone up that mountain yourself. Brrrrr. You simply can't believe that a film crew hung in there to capture this amazing trip AND pulled out these incredible stories in the process. I was a fan of Lucy Walker's previous DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND but I actually think this film may be even better.

I Be Launched

www.eddieschmidt.com

"For All Your Eddie Schmidt Needs."

Second Coming

In Hollywood, you can always reinvent yourself.

Unfortunately, this also means that Hollywood is very quick (and perhaps even very eager) to erase its own past. Thus, the perennial demise of landmarks like Schwab's, Ships, the Ambassador, and Trader Vic's.

So with the hype of "Cloverfield" descending upon us, I provide a minor, but sobering, word of caution to the unadulterated fan boys and girls who know JJ Abrams only as the zeitgeisty genius of "Alias," "Lost" and perhaps "Felicity."

Little over a decade ago, Abrans was also considered the screenwriting wunderkind who gave us the Harrison Ford vehicle "Regarding Henry"; the Jim Belushi-Charles Grodin starring "Taking Care of Business"; and a Joe Pesci-Danny Glover slapstick fishing comedy, aptly named "Gone Fishin'."

"Regarding Henry," at least, inspired the unlikely porn knockoff "Regarding Heiney."

While I, too, am looking forward to "Cloverfield" and I think JJ Abrams is clearly talented and prolific, I merely present history as a reminder to innoculate ourselves from the potential disappointment of event-based pop culture, particularly considering the lot of films that generally premiere during the month of January. It's less "don't believe the hype" than "perhaps it would be healthier to take the hype with a grain of salt." Or heiney.

IDA Awards 12/7/07

If anyone lives in the LA area, I think there are still tickets available for tomorrow night's IDA Awards at the Director's Guild. Hop on over to documentary.org for more info.

I've posted about the IDA (International Documentary Association) before - it's a support/advocacy nonprofit dedicated to promoting the art of nonfiction filmmaking, bringing together filmmakers and filmlovers who believe in the form. This year we're honoring Michael Moore, CNN's Christianne Amanpour, Ted Braun, and many others. Yours truly will be the offstage emcee for the event, and also produced a :60 spot in the show.

If you're a doc fan or doc filmmaker and you're not an IDA member, you can also join the organization. (For that, you can live ANYWHERE!) You'll get a bunch o' stuff and discounts. If you're lucky, a starving doc filmmaker will come and live in your basement.

Ha ha.

BTW, I noticed an interesting blog over at http://massmediaisamazzzing.blogspot.com/2007/12/research-activity-ways-i-am-changing-my.html

The writer, a college student, says something very profound: until he saw THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED, he thought that films rated harsher than R were "not actually real movies." I think this is a commonly held perception and a sad fact for movies in that category, be they "Henry and June," "A Dirty Shame," or "Lust Caution."

So, again - to suggest that there's no stigma to the NC-17, or to the types of "offenses" that earn an NC_17, is a fallacy.

For God's Sake

For many years, God's been a staple of entertainment awards shows, with every rapper, actor, and would-be apostle thanking the Almighty for making their achievements possible. Even if those achievements mean performing songs about golddigging bitches or starring in films about people who kill lots of other people.

Now, however, God is apparently making sure that a pregnant Julia Roberts still looks good in a bathing suit.

In the December issue of Vanity Fair, Roberts reveals her nerves about shooting her first-ever bikini sene during the making of the upcoming "Charlie Wilson's War." She'd only told director Mike Nichols the day before that she was almost four months pregnant. Holy human speedbump!

But, according to Roberts' interview, "God is always hovering near in some form or another, because when it came time to shoot the scene my stomach was probably the flattest it had been in three months." Praise Jesus: The Absolver and the Abdominizer!

Yes, although the Lord may be having a hard time getting to Iraq or Sudan, he's at least got his priorities straight when it comes to the bodies of beautiful movie stars. For God's sake, make sure sure you do him proud on Mr.Skin.com.